by Anna Sophie Steffen, 2010

I would like to tell you about my experiences as an au pair in the US to give prospective host families an inside view from an au pair’s perspective. I want to say that I had a great year with a great family, so I cannot report on a rematch or other major problems that other au pairs may experience

I am from Germany and I lived and worked as an au pair in Northern Virginia from July 2001 to July 2002.  Since there was no extension program at this time, it was not possible for me to stay an additional year

Step One: The Application Process 

The first part of this was the screening process that consisted of a psychological test and an English test. We were evaluated for both, but we were not told how we did.

The second part was the application itself, required one to fill out all the many forms, designing our photo collage, and collecting our references.  We had to make sure we explained our childcare experience carefully and that we were not au pairs at the time we were caring for children.  I had experience “babysitting and tutoring young children.”

Step Two: The Matching Process 

I probably went through one of the fastest matching processes in the history of the au pair program!   My host family called before I even knew that a family was interested in me at all. The first person I talked to was their current au pair who was German as well. She told me a bit about the family and the area they lived in. I talked to my future host mom afterwards for a very long time and I really liked her and what she told me about her family. One thing that I appreciated was her honesty. She told me right from the start what my job would be like and that was the way it was.  I want to let host parents know, that not all families are this honest and do not tell their prospective au pairs what the family is really like and what our responsibilities will really be. 

The next day, I talked to the older of the two children and a day after that my host family and I matched. They were the first to call me and I was the first potential au pair they had called that year.  It only took 2 weeks to match, from the time my application was sent to the United States and the day I was officially
hired.”   From the time I matched to the day of my departure to the United States, I stayed in close contact with my new host family. 

Step Three: Getting “There” 

Despite the fact one of my suitcases got lost in Amsterdam, I had a safe and enjoyable trip to New York.  The most memorable thing that I remember about landing in NYC was the humidity!   My group was taken by bus to the Au Pair School where we settled in.  We then had dinner and “greet and meet” and then we were given time to unpack and relax after our long flight. 

The next two and a half days were devoted to learning about American childcare, specific American laws, etc.

On the fourth day at the school we went sightseeing in New York City which was very impressive and although I’ve been there a couple of times now, it is still my favorite city in the world!  The next day we packed up to travel to our new host families. 

I was welcomed very warmly with a “Welcome” poster the children made themselves just for me.  We had pizza for dinner, which was very good, and my family introduced me to a few of the neighbors and family friends

Step Four: Settling In and Cultural Shock 

I was the sixth au pair in my host family and the sixth from Germany. So they knew about some of the cultural differences that exist between Germans and Americans.  For example, Germans tend to be more “direct” when dealing with others compared to Americans. 

My family was used to the fact their new au pair would get homesick for a few days.  I did experience a bit of “cultural shock” where everything just seemed to be wrong.  For example, the paper money bothered me (why are there one dollar notes and not one dollar coins?); the doorknobs bothered me and light switches that were shaped differently and the weather was very hot – it was way too humid!  There were many bugs that bit and I got about 25 bug bites on both of my legs and I ended up with an allergic reaction to the bites!  I could hardly walk and because of this experience, I never ventured into the woods wearing shorts again! 

After a week, I was fine, more or less.  My host parents took me on their family vacation (they paid for me, which was very generous)!  I really enjoyed the family trip and getting to know the parents and children better. 

There was just one major thing that bothered me incredibly and that was the reason why I did not feel really well until the fifth week of my stay. The old au pair of the family and I overlapped for five weeks. The first week was her last and my first working week so she was training me which was fine. The other four weeks consisted of her 13^thmonth where all au pairs are allowed to travel through the United States.  This au pair did not plan to travel and she just stayed home with me and my new family.  She continued to be an “au pair” and was very close with the children and spent most of her time “playing with the kids.” 

This resulted in the children’s confusion as to which they should go to; listen to, etc.  What made things worse for me was that the old au pair and I didn’t see ‘eye to eye’ on many things and we ended up not liking each other very much. 

I have to be honest and say the main reason for this dislike was jealousy on both sides – from her and me.  I was jealous of her because she was closer to the children and they liked her very much.  In addition, she was not “on duty” anymore and she could now be their “friend” instead of their au pair (who had to discipline them).   She could now be the “good au pair” who didn’t have to care about the rules anymore, while I had to be the “bad au pair” who had to enforce the rules. 

She was jealous of me because the children did listen to me better during my first weeks in the family than they listened to her during her first weeks as their au pair.  The children could not “get things over on me” and “fool me” as they did with her.  I spoke better English than she did when she first started, and the children could not pretend they didn’t understand me so they had no excuse not to listen to me! 

I think her overlap was too long and I would suggest that host families discourage this situation as much as possible.   New au pairs have to claim their territory and authority with the children and it is hard to do this successfully when the old au pair is hanging about.

Step Five: Being at Home 

After the former au pair had left, things improved considerable!  I could now spend time with my own friends (before that I had to spend a lot of time with her friends), and most importantly, the children had only one au pair and all the confusion disappeared when the old au pair finally left.  I got used to my everyday schedule very quickly and enjoyed the work and the free time.

Most of my days were routine but there are some important things I would like to point out here:  

Building Trust

My host parents trusted me from the beginning. They told me so as well. I got one of their credit cards to do the shopping the first day that I was there and I only had to hand it back the day I left.   Also, when there was a conflict with the children, the parents always listened to my side of the story and trusted me that I was telling the truth about what happened.   This trust was very important to me and made me feel that I was important and respected.  Because of the trust they had in me, I vowed never to break that trust and as a result, I think I became a better au pair because of it. 

For example, I did not have a curfew. My host mom said that she would enforce one if it turned out that I came home too late to take of the kids the next day.  I made sure that this never happened.  This trust the family had in me was very important to me and I made sure I never broke it.  

Tantrums and “I hate you, go back to Germany!!”

The younger of my two kids threw more than just a few tantrums, especially at the beginning of the year.

Sometimes one child didn’t want to get dressed for school or refused to put on pants instead of shorts or wouldn’t go to school at all and screamed the place down. The sentence “I hate you! Go back to Germany!” was yelled at me more than just once at the beginning of the year.

These were the most difficult times for me.  I had to overcome what was being said, forget my hurt feelings and calm the child down so I could get him to school.  I knew that this child said and did the same to the first au pair, so I tried hard not to take the insults personally.  My host parents assured me that this was so and they supported me throughout the tantrums.  I felt comfortable going to the parents when one of these tantrums happened and we all sat down together to discuss it with the child. 

The parents never blamed me for the tantrum!  They always tried to understand why the child was so upset and tried to come up with ways for me to handle them successfully.  We were able to come up with rules on how to handle the child’s behavior and because of their trust in me and our rules that we all worked on together as a “family.” For example, when a tantrum happened, the child had to spend time in his/her room, but I was to stay close in the hallway or room next door.  This was to give her time to calm down and I was there to make sure she was okay. 

We drew up certain rules together concerning how to handle the tantrums, for instance that I should leave the child alone in his/her room (but stay close, say in the hallway or the room next door) so that s/he could calm down. Afterwards we’d have a talk about why the tantrum had happened. Although I certainly did not enjoy the tantrums, I never had to be afraid of my host parents’ reactions (that was different with a friend of mine who was sometimes blamed for her kid’s tantrums although they probably weren’t her fault).  As the year went on the tantrums became less and less and then they vanished for good.

Being an Au Pair is Hard Work

Although I enjoyed working most of the time, I would like to say that being an au pair is a very hard and demanding job. It is a lot of responsibility, especially for a 19 year old who has just left school. Children of any age are very demanding in their own ways (and of course have a right to be). For most au pairs this is their first full time job and besides having to cope with that, there is, at least in the beginning, the different culture to get used to.

My Free Time

I made the most of my free time, but this does not mean that I went on a short vacation every other weekend. I spent a lot of time with my friends, we went out very often (hardly ever to clubs though, we were all under 21). Most of the time we went to the local Starbucks; we also visited the local restaurants and sports bars (we never tried to order alcohol, we knew that wasn’t legal and accepted that law). We went shopping at least twice a month, mostly to outlet malls and since we lived so close to Washington, DC we went into the city almost every weekend as well.

I went to the gym every second day (I was off duty while the kids were at school, so that was a good time for it). Of course, I did go on a few over night trips; we went camping once, I went to New York City a few times and we visited the Niagara Falls. At the end of my year, I traveled with my parents for three weeks.

My First Christmas Away from Home

After I adjusted to being in America, Christmas Eve was the first and only time that I got homesick again. My best friend had gone home for Christmas and I felt very lonely without her. But I still had a great American Christmas, something I had always dreamed of.  Moreover I also got to celebrate Hanukah with my family, which was a new and great experience as well. 

Worst Case Scenario: Losing a Close Relative at Home

At the beginning of March 2002 one of my grandmothers died. My mother called me while the kids were at school. We debated me coming home for the funeral but did not make a final decision. I did not tell the kids when I picked them up from school because I did not want to worry them. Later on I told my host parents and they decided that they would tell the kids and also very generously offered to pay a flight for me to get home for the funeral and told me that I shouldn’t worry about the kids and who would care for them while I was gone.  In the end, my parents, my host parents and I decided that I would not go home for the funeral. I am still glad about that decision because going home.  I felt I could remember and mourn my grandmother here in America as well as I could in Germany.

Step Six: Preparing to Return to Germany and Leaving “Home”

When my year came to a close it was about time to select a new au pair. I was involved in that process, talked to all possible candidates on the phone and stayed in contact with the girl that my host parents had chosen. When she arrived I showed her around and trained her for a week. After that I left to meet my parents and brother in New York to travel with them for three weeks and then returned to my host family for a final three days. My host mom took me to the airport and that was the first of many times that I broke down in homesickness, home being in the US. I had a far worse case of reverse cultural shock coming back to Germany than the cultural shock of coming to the US had been. But as soon as I started attending college that improved and I was ready to start a new life full of new and exciting experiences yet again.

I would like to add that I know that my host parents were extremely generous and that not all host parents have the means to do all the things that my host parents were able to do for me.   Joining the cultural exchange program and becoming an au pair was a wonderful experience.  I am very glad that I had the opportunity to be in the United States and to get to know American and my American family.