My Au Pair Has Tattoos and Purple Hair!
I need help! My wonderful, quiet and sweet au pair, who has been with us now for 4 months (from South Africa) reported to work last Monday and we were shocked at her altered appearance! She died her hair a loud purple, cut it very short and she now has a nose ring! My first thought was "What was she up to over the weekend?" She had been out for two days, with friends and came home late Sunday night, so we didn't see her until Monday morning.
My children just stared at her, and my youngest wanted to touch her purple hair and finger her nose ring. I have two girls and I was pretty upset about this transformation - I specifically asked my au pair before I matched with her, if she had any piercings. She said NO. I also looked at her photos, and her hair was to her shoulders, nicely styled and blond. Now, it is so short and spiky and various shades of purple.
My au pair drives my children back and forth to school and I am mortified that the other mothers and the teachers would think less of me as a mother, having an au pair who looked like this.
I don't want to ask her to change her hair color, but the nose ring has to go. I don't want my girls to think it is okay to pierce their bodies and it looks, well, wild and inappropriate. She now looks like she belongs to a punk band.
Now, we really like her. She drives very well, and she is kind and very responsible. Great au pair, but we had no idea this punk side of her was lying dormant.
What should we do? Do we have to tolerate this for the rest of her year with us?
Help from host mom in NJ
No Nose Rings in NJ
Hi there,
I understand what you are saying! I have dealt with many au pairs who changed their appearance once they arrived in the States! Why do young women do this? Well, the answer lies with the fact they are no longer at home and under the supervision of their parents. They feel more "free" to experiment and do something a little "wild" while abroad. However, they don't always consider their host family's reaction! And they should!
Does she also have tattoos?
You should explain "why" you want her to change her looks and discuss the fact she "represents" your family while she is in an au pair and that is not the look you want out there speaking for your values, etc.
Get a bit tough but be understanding and supportive of her needs to experiment and be independent of her parents. She will appreciate your kindness and openness!
au pair piercing, hair, etc...
My last au pair got her nose pierced four months into her time with us. It didn't bother us, but it did bother her dad, who was visiting! It was her only piercing beyond her ears. And she was respectful and asked us if we wanted her to take it off when she was on duty. It didn't matter to us, but it was great that she asked. I think it is certainly fair for you to have that discussion with her about taking it out when she is on duty, if that is your preference. Our current au pair also has a nose ring, a small diamond, and we selected her knowing she had it. It is very small, and doesn't bother us. There are jobs in the world where people can't wear piercings to work, but enjoy them when they are off. This works for both of you, so it is an easier one to navigate than the hair.
Regarding the hair, hairstyles and colors can change quickly. Perhaps it is something you can talk about with her? Maybe you could talk to her about the fact that you understand her want and need for self expression, but that the hair color feels extreme to you. Perhaps you could ask her how long she planned to have the color? Suggest she use a color washout product on vacation, or when her au pair year is up. You may also want to ask your LCC for her thoughts on approaching the au pair. Good luck to you on this one....
Hair color
Our second chinese au pair tried to bleach her black hair blond and it came out very red and not too pretty. she was however delighted with the color. we didn't say anything and finally she "got" the message (I guess from her peers) that it was not "in." She dyed it back to black and realized it would cost a lot of money to be a blond and that her coloring did not look right with yellow hair. It was touch and go there for a while, but that is what it is like with a young adult in your home!