My au pair was caught drinking and driving, what now?
My au pair was pulled over by the local police and found to be under "the influence" - she was driving and failed the sobriety test. My agency says she can stay, but I am not sure she should be allowed.
Why would the agency let her stay? It is her first time (we think) and she is young (19) and told us she was "fine" and not drunk. She said she is used to drinking and driving since in Germany, young people can drink at an early age.
What do you think about this situation? Should we fire her anyway and move on? Isn't this a potentially dangerous scenerio since she drives our children?
Yikes! Send her home!
I'm suprised your au pair can stay. My agency told us clearly in the interview and the first meeting with my 19 yo au pair that if she was caught drinking and driving she would be sent home. And just my take, but if it were mine au pair, I would send her home even if the agency wouldn't. The liability is way too high for me to take on - she could seriuosly injure or kill herself or someone else, and it's just not cool. Now, I know that my 19 yo from last year went out drinking - but we talked about it and our agreement was that she would spend the night wherever she was, and I took the car away when I knew she was headed to a party.
Sorry to hear about the issues, and I hope you get a good resolution...
au pairs drink more than host families know
I juts wanted to tell host parents that their au pairs drink more than they know about. We are just like anyone else this age, we do like to attend parties and have fun and have a few drinks. I don't like alcohol but I do like a beer once in a while at a party or gathering of au pairs and we all drink and smoke cigarettes and the host families do not know we do this!
Most of us are very careful to hide this from our parents since we can get into trouble and Americans are less tolerant of young people drinking and smoking compared to German parents at home. We get that and we make sure when we go home, we do not smell like cigarettes or beer or wine!
But we do indulge (is that the correct word)?!
I do think we are more responsibel than american youth, I have been to parties where girls 18, 19, 20 who are americans get drunk, really drunk, to the point they are getting sick in the bathrooms. Europeans, Germans specifically, do not drink like this. We feel it is losing control and we don't like that feeling. so, we are safer childcare workers since we don't drink too much.
Hey germany and all other
Hey germany and all other readers,
I'd like to add something to germany's reply. What germany described is certainly NOT TRUE for all au pairs. I was 19 when I came to the States (I am German) and during the whole year I drank alcohol twice. One time at Thanksgiving where my host parents were present and specifically asked me if I'd like a glas of red wine. I said I would but only if they didn't feel uncomfortable giving it to me. The other time was at a movie night with two of my best friends. One of them was over 21 and bought two bottles of wine for us. We drank it, had a sleep over and that was it. And I told my host parents beforehand and asked them if they'd like me to not attend that movie night because of the two bottles of wine. They said that as long as I didn't drive they were fine with it. There a number of au pairs who smoke behind their host parents' backs, but again, that's by far not all of them. There are a lot of young people in Germany who think that smoking is disgusting or just don't like to smoke because of the health issues.
What is true is, that genrally speaking, German 19 year olds are usually more grown up than American 19 year olds. Many of the people that I met (including adults much older than me) were surprised when I told them that I was 19 and said that I seemed 25 to them. My guess is that this is due to the fact that German kids and young adults usually have more freedom than Americans of the same age. The school system is different too, and there is a lot less "guidance", Kids are left alone at home at a much younger age, usually 6 year olds walk to school (or the bus station) and back alone or with friends, kids at that age also go to play grounds and afternoon activities by themselves they are within walking distance. Even if children have to be taken by car, parents never stay for any kind of practice sessions but go home or shopping and pick up the child later. It is also not unsual for 16 year olds to have more or less serious relationships (as serious as you can be at that age) and sleeping over at a boyfriend's or girlfriends' home and sleeping in the same bed isn't unusal either. Most teenagers are told in schools as well as at home that there is nothing wrong with having sex with a person they love as long as it is safer sex (and the girl is on the pill) and of course both partners want it. This doesn't mean that all 16 year old Germans have sex, but I guess most 18 year olds will at least have gone past first base. The drinking age in Germany is 16 for beer and wine and 18 for all other kinds of alcohol, so yes, your German au pair is very likely to have made some experiences with alcohol before. BUT this does not mean that all German au pairs will behave in a way that their host parents wouldn't like. Of course they not all goody-goodies, but they aren't all that bad either. And all German au pairs that I met were very responsible concerning their host kids and genreal duties.
I'd like to point out that I am not judging anything or anybody.
German Au Pairs
Hi Cloudy,
I have to agree with you - I found German au pairs basically mature, responsible and not prone to drink to excess in the many years I worked with them. Even at ages 18 or 19, they were steady and solid and they did seem older, and more wiser than most 24 year olds!
Drinking is an issue for all young people and many will experiment with alcohol during the years between 16 - 20. Most youth will settle down and become less interested in drinking as they focus on more adult goals, such as pursuing academic and occupational goals and starting a family.
Overall, I never found drinking (and drinking and driving) to be a significant problem among au pairs in general. I observed that au pairs generally drank less than their American peers - and I think the reason may be along the lines that you discuss here - that American teens are generally less mature compared because of their upbringing.
For all host parents, it is important for them to interview each prospective au pair carefully regarding alcohol use and share their concerns and expectations with each au pair.
Thank you Cloudy for sharing your thoughts and observations - we really enjoy hearing from au pairs!
I'm disappointed to hear that
I'm disappointed to hear that the agency is allowing her to stay. The fact that she dismisses it is even more troubling to me. I would fire/rematch, since this particular issue is very sensitive with me.
Good luck in your decision.
Au pair's reaction
Dear sixtwsix,
My wife agreed with your statement, and pointed out to me, if the au pair doesn't think this was a big deal, perhaps she has done this before. I had a serious conversation with the au pair and she did admit she was ticketed in her home country for driving while under the influence of driving (she drove off the side of the road). I don't think it is possible for au pair agencies to screen for everything, but if they do a police check, as they say they do, wouldn't they have seen this ticket?
The violation would be enough NOT to accept her into the program, right? That seems to be the deal breaker in her application!
Criminal Background Checks
Dear Updike,
Yes, you are correct about the criminal background check that is mandatory for each prospective au pair who applies to the U.S. Designated Au Pair Agencies in America. Every agency must complete a criminal background check and then use this information to screen out potential "problem" au pairs - those who have histories of theft; driving while intoxicated; breaking laws, etc.
This au pair apparently slipped through this part of the screening and it is hard to know why because the agencies will not tell you how this happened. What they should do is to trace this au pair back to the agent that signed her up. Then, check the criminal background check and if the ticket is on the report, ask the agent, "what happened?" They should be asking, "Did you see this violation?" "If so, why did you clear this au pair?"
Because it is unclear in your comments here if she indeed received a ticket (in her country and before she arrived in the States), it is impossible to say what happened. If she was given a warning, instead of a ticket, this warning would not be registered on the criminal background check.
However, if she did receive the ticket, it would show up and the agent in charge of recruiting from the au pair's country is at fault. If the former is true, your agency should have a conversation with the agent, "re-educating" this person again about screening and a letter would go into their file. If this happens again, a responsible agency would then fire the agent, so this does not continue.
It is important to understand, the agency itself does not review these criminal background checks, they rely on their agents in the field to do this work. Most, if not all, au pair screening of prospective au pairs is completed by the field agents hired by the agencies. The agents work as consultants and they get paid for each au pair they sign up. This procedure has its flaws as the agents only make money when they approve an au pair; they do not receive any financial compensation when they reject an au pair.
I do believe agents should be compensated for both - approvals and rejections. This would ensure that au pairs who do not meet the cultural exchange program requirements are rejected, and families in the States would enjoy quality and fully screened au pairs 99% of the time!
Underage Drinking
Au Pair Mom is another great resource in addition this site. Their is a posting on that site from back in October titled
"How to handle under age drinking" Link below.
It is definitely worth reading:
http://aupairmom.com/how-to-handle-under-age-drinking/2009/10/07/celiaharquail/
Good Luck in however you decide to proceed!
I am outraged
I am outraged that your agency thinks its nothing. Which agency is that?
She broke american law. To me, this, along with things like lying and stealing are reasons for immediate rematch. And IMHO, this is not one "mistake" that can be forgiven.
Yikes! Alcohol and au pairs do not mix
Hi - I think your agency is making a mistake by allowed thiis au pair, who broke our American law, to stay here in the program. How is that making sense? What would she learn if she was allowed to break the law and not be punished? And yes, this is dangerous. She is young and does not sound very concerned or contrite.
I would try and find out if she did this before since it sounds like she is pretty familiar with drinking and driving. I agree, if I were you, I very well may consider firing her. For good.
Zero Tolerance Policy
Hi Updike,
I agree with our readers - au pair agencies should not allow this girl to stay. What kind of message are they giving to the other au pairs? Also, when you break the law, while you are in a foreign exchange program, you need to know that there is a zero tolerance policy. We should never accept an au pair agency's tolerating any au pair who breaks American laws. Also, you do not have any guarantee she will not repeat the same behavior again. So, my advice would be to contact the agency and ask for a replacement.
Edina
Thanks for all the advice...
Thank you to all here that piled in with advice. I have spoken to my agency (I would rather not say which one) and I was happy to hear that the manager did agree with readers here that this au pair should return home. I told them I didn't want her to remain in our home to care for our children. When I told them that this was not an isolated incident (the au pair did mention to us that this happened before in her country) they quickly took charge and removed her, and sent her home (they did not recycle her to another family).
I am now in the process of trying to get a local au pair (they call them "rematch au pairs") to fill in the rest of the year as we don't want to wait for a new au pair from abroad. In the meantime, I am taking care of the kids, as I work at home, but it is a tough job and I am not getting much work done!
However, we do feel more comfortable with our decision, reading the advice here, and knowing we don't have to worry about the au pair getting into a serious accident while drinking and driving and that she will not have the children in the car!