Dear Germany2010,

I am glad you asked this question.  It is not unusual for au pairs to find that their host parents have failed to fully disclose information concerning their children's mental conditions during the initial interview.  The fact that your host mom became so defensive when you mentioned the possibility that Tommy may have an Attention Disorder underlies the fact every parent wants to believe their child is healthy and normal!  If something is wrong with their children, parents often react with denial and they bristle at the very idea.  This is especially true for mothers.

Other parents may decide not to disclose this information out of fear that the au pair may reject their offer to hire them or that the au pair agency may not accept the family into the program. 

It is estimated that between 6-10% of American children suffer from a condition called Attention Deficiency Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).  Children with ADHD are often hyperactive, which explains Tommy's restlessness and over-zealous physical activity.  Other symptoms may include daydreaming, inability to stay still, acting without thinking, poor concentration and difficulty with school work.  With medication and support, most ADHD children can overcome these symptoms and lead normal lives.

You sound like a very intelligent and responsible young lady and you want to know what the situation is, not only for the child, but for your year in America.  You have the right to find out, since you will be in charge of his care when the parents are at work.  His teacher's aide has already said he has ADHD, but we don't know what this means, is this her opinion, or has he been diagnosed with this disorder?  You need to find out.

I suggest that you begin with the counselor, who may be experienced with ADHD and its affect on the family and au pairs.  She should be your advocate in starting a dialogue with the parents about their son's mental condition (if he indeed has ADHD).  If he has not been tested, it could be many months before the parents come to accept there is something wrong with their son's behavior and to seek treatment.  For you, this may not be the most desirable placement, unless you are willing to be patient and work with the family during this stressful time. 

What can you do in the meantime?  Be patient with Tommy and learn more about ADHD by visiting http://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/facts.html and reading about how to cope with the symptoms of ADHD.  If he does not have ADHD, the advice given will still be helpful in terms of how to handle an overactive boy.  Calm and order are very important - try to run an organized schedule for the children and find ways to help him remember where his things are (ADHD children often lose their books, toys, etc.) and organize his homework time.  Make sure he has a quiet and neat place to do homework.  Redirect him when he gets distracted by using a patient, calm voice. 

I hope that you will call your counselor and begin the process of finding out more about Tommy and how you can best help him.  You have to decide what is best for you - do you want to be involved in his care or not?  Weigh the pros and cons of a rematch and depending on the outcome of your list, be proactive and don't hesitate to ask for help from your agency. 

Good luck and let me how you make out.