Should au pair return home if mother dies?
Hello Dr. Siman. We have a great au pair (5 month now into her first year) but our au pair's mother is very ill and has terminal cancer. I feel that our au pair, her daughter, should return to her home country and be with her mom. I also feel, once she gets home, and has to deal with her mom's death, the grieving process, she should not return. What do you think? I am considering the au pair's mental state, my children and the functioning of our home while both parents work full time.
Should this au pair go home for good?
Death and Dying
Dear RealMom,
I am very sorry to hear about your au pair's mother. This must be very traumatic for this young woman given the distance between her and her dying parent.
Your question regarding her return home really depends on the au pair herself. Is she emotionally strong? How old is she? If she is older, over 23-24, she may be capable of handling the death of a parent and the bereavement long distance. How committed is she to the cultural program and finishing her year? Would she do better with your family and away from her's during the grief process? It is hard to say, since we don't know about her relationship with her mother, and her extended family at home.
The best thing to do is talk with her and find out where she stands in all of this. If she is very close to her mother, she may want to go home, be with her during her hospice care and be there for the funeral. How long she stays is not known, as we all experience the process of death and grieving differently. Typically, it takes about a year to fully recover and get over the death of a parent.
If she is very close and wants to be there for her mom, I would say let her go. She may regret not going in the future and this may haunt her for years to come. An young adult's place is with her parents when they are ill and dying and if they don't have their own family to care for. In addition, she has had 5 good months here in America and with your family. Now, it may be time to return home.
Good luck and extend my sincerest wishes to her and her family.
Best,
Dr. Siman
its the best thing to do
realmom, it is really the best thing to do is to let your au pair go home. We did have an au pair whose father fell off a roof he was fixing and he was in agony until he died. My au pair was in shock and could not make the decision on her own. I wanted to make sure she saw him before he died and I sent her home and paid for the ticket, one way. I told her, if you want to come back after the funeral, I will pay. She stayed. She cried the entire phone call, but we said "It is your decision, don't worry about us, you just take care of yourself." We still get cards and letters from her. She only realized later that she wouldn't have gone if I hadn't pushed her. she was and is, very grateful!