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Why Can't an Au Pair Be More Like an Adult?
Want a challenge?
Try being a host parent and selecting an au pair from another country without ever meeting her! A correct decision, or "match" invariably results in a successful host family experience in the year that follows. A poor "match" can result in conflict and discord in your home. If problems remain unresolved, a poor "match" may lay the foundation of a potential safety risk for your children.
Want another challenge?
Host an au pair in your home for 12 months and deal effectively with displays of your au pair's defiance or poor judgment or risky behavior. These occurrences typically trouble or anger host parents. You don’t understand why your au pair is purposely defying you or acting inappropriately. What you may not have considered is the fact that, if your au pair is between the ages of 18 - 24, she is still considered an adolescent!
The goal of this article is to help host parents understand that oftentimes problematic au pair behavior may not be purposeful nor even under the au pair’s control because her brain is still developing and will not reach full maturation until the age of 25.
Don't believe it?
The car rental industry is quite aware of this since data they collect on car accidents by age groups supports their minimium age to rent a car as 25!
Consider the following situation:
It’s Saturday and your au pair tells you she wants to go to a local club that night with a group of other au pairs. While it is her free time, you are concerned and you sit down with her and explain that this club has a bad reputation and there have been a number of incidents reported in the local newspapers. She listens to the points you make and you think you have reached an understanding. However, later that night she says “goodbye” on her way out to the club.
At this point, it would not be unusual for a host parent to be angry, upset, or hurt because their au pair is purposely ignoring the good advice you gave her.
However, it is important to place the above situation in the context of what we now know about the cognitive development and limitations between the ages of 18 to 25. The mature and sophisticated cognitive capabilities are still developing and, therefore, impose significant limitations on the thinking and behaviors of adolescents. This means that the behavior and decisions of an au pair might very well be limited by a lack of maturity—of the brain!
Within the past decade, research has demonstrated that brain development is a fundamental determinant of behavior between the ages of 18 and 25. Greater understanding of the relationship between brain development and behavior has been possible because of advances in imaging techniques such as functional magnetic resonance imaging [fMRI] that enable us to examine brain functions in much greater detail than ever before.
Of particular importance is development of the pre-frontal cortex, which is still ongoing in late adolescence and where full maturation is not complete until the the age of 25. The pre-frontal cortex is the last part of the brain to mature. The reason why the prefrontal cortex is so important is this is the region of the brain responsible for sophisticated thinking— planning, thinking ahead, weighing risks and rewards, and controlling impulses (psychologists use the term Executive Functions to describe these critical areas of our pre-frontal cortex).
How can we use this information as host parents?
Knowing the limitations of an au pair’s behavior can help host parents bring their expectations more in line with what is realistic. This will help support the development of a harmonious relationship between the au pair and host parents.
Alternatively, sometimes when an au pair shows poor judgment—even if it is attributable to cognitive limitations—it can only be handled (realistically) by imposing consequences [for example, expressing displeasure verbally, taking away the keys to the car, etc.] in order to reduce the likelihood that the au pair will repeat the problem behavior.
The additional understanding of brain development limitations sensitizes a host parent to the often involuntary au pair behaviors. Although it cannot explain away the effect of problem behavior, it often provides a choice as to what action to take.
On the other hand, it is important to remember that every situation requires an assessment by the host parents to determine the extent to which cognitive limitations might be involved.
