My 17 year old son has a crush on my 18 year old au pair. HELP!
Hi Dr. Siman,
I have an unusual question I think. My au pair is 18. My teenage son is 17! Weird huh? Well, I am in a second marriage and I also have 2 younger children who the au pair cares for.
My au pair, German girl, pretty, nice, etc., also drives my son to and fro school, etc. He does have a driving permit, but not a license as yet. So, the au pair and he spend a lot of time together.
I feel they are attracted to each other and my son is developing a little crush on her! They laugh and giggle, hang out in the family room listening to music, go to Starbucks, and my son is showering every morning and it is summer!
I do not want to mix personal with business. I do NOT want a relationship between them right under my nose, 24/7. Has anyone else had this problem??
What should I do about this to prevent a real home disaster?
Thank you so much!
Tricky Situation
Dear Mrs. Smith,
Your situation, although tricky to deal with, is quite common when there are adolescents in the home who are attracted to the young au pair. In your case, it appears that there is a sexual tension between your son and au pair, which is quite normal given their age and the hormones that are present during this developmental stage. Crushes are okay, but sometimes the au pair "falls" for the young man too, and that is when you have problems. It sounds like the au pair is not putting on the brakes with your son, and I would deal with her first.
Gently tell your au pair what you have noticed between her and your son. Explain that your son is developing a crush on her and that she needs to help you deal with this. Give her the authority and responsibility to act in a mature and appropriate manner and she will feel more empowered than if you just told her to "stop" the flirting, etc. She also may not be aware of how her actions with your son look to others, and may be embarrassed at first when you tell her.
Reminding your au pair of her professional duties and that she cannot "date" your son will help put an end to this kind of innocent flirtation. If you feel the au pair is on board and agrees with you, let the situation develop naturally in the next few days. If you see that your son is still seeking out her attentions in a romantic way, you may want to talk to him also.
Ask your husband to sit down with your son and have a good talk about girls and appropriate behavior with your au pairs. Your son should be encouraged to go out with young girls his age from school. He also needs to be reminded that his attentions towards your au pair may result in problems for her. Remind him if she developed a crush on him, she could be fired. If he is a caring and thoughtful young man, he will understand and respect the consequences of his actions and how they could negatively affect the au pair's position.
Let us know how things progress. Thank you for your question and good luck!
This will be a challenge for you as adolescents are often difficult to redirect and crushes don't just "go away" so easily at this young age!