My Au Pair Has a Boyfriend
Dr. Siman, my au pair just arrived. We spoke about many things before she came and I wanted to make sure she did not have a serious boyfriend in Germany (she is from Germany). I had an au pair from France a few years ago and she also had a serious boyfriend she left behind and the match was a disaster and all the problems could be traced to her constant distraction and obsession with this boyfriend.
Now, I found out that my new au pair does in fact have a boyfriend! she lied to me about it (I asked her point blank "Do you have a boyfriend?") and I told her my experience with the French au pair (and I also said, "I would never repeat the same mistake again."). And she lied and said NO. But here she is, calling him 24/7 and she is totally distracted (she forgot to pick up my son from baseball camp 2 days ago, a friend gave him a ride home, but.....).
She is young, prettty and heads over heels over this guy and that is all she can think about - she finally confessed to me, crying, that she did have a boyfriend and that she misses him SO much, etc., etc. She is very charming and lovely, great with the kids, can COOK and speaks English and drives like an America teenager. You know, the typical great German au pair. But, I don't know what to do at this point.
Should I rematch? Should I try and work with her? What about the lying part of it? Is this a red flag? She has only been here for 1 month, is 19 and really wants to stay, but she is already planning for the boyfriend to come at Christmas and to stay with us!
I am very busy at work, the kids start school in 3 weeks and I don't have the time to do this all over again. Can this match work?
Help!
The Au Pair Has A Boyfriend
Dear Angela,
I can understand your anxiety and frustration regarding your au pair! Not only is she terribly upset and distracted, but she lied to you. When au pairs lie to their host parents, they attack the very core of the relationship between au pair and host mom: trust.
If the au pair is so distracted and upset leaving her boyfriend, it may very difficult for her to focus on the serious responsibilities she has now as your au pair. She is caring for your children, but in many ways, developmentally, she is a child herself. As psychologists, we know that a young person's brain does not fully mature until she is 25! The part of the brain that matures last, the frontal lobe, is the area where judgement and reason prevail - the very functions your au pair needs to make good decisions, but cannot since she is psychologically still too immature.
So, in essence, you have two problems here: one, you have the issue of trust, or broken trust and the second, an immature au pair in the throes of young, passionate love. The trust issue must be resolved first and foremost - can you forgive and move on? Only you can answer this question. The second problem, the fact she has a boyfriend (and is now missing him to distraction), becomes an issue regarding her ability to care for the children in a responsible and safe manner.
It may be wise to have a sit-down with her and your counselor and get the these two issues out in the open. Tell your au pair how disappointed you are that she lied and ask her why? Secondly, the agency needs to intervene about the boyfriend issue, and if you decide to keep the au pair, help you set up appropriate boundaries. For example, she is only to call and email him on her time and he is not to come and visit at Christmas, and certainly not to stay with your family (if that is what you want).
That said, it is important to note that for a young girl, it is quite normal for her to be distracted - she is in love and we all know what that feels like at 19! The boy is the center of her universe and will not change, in the short term. I think it is important to find out, why did she plan a trip abroad for a year, if the relationship was so important to her? The answer may fill in the gaps with what is going on in you au pair's life.
Having an au pair who has a serious relationship with a boyfriend back home can work - but they both have to be mature, responsible young adults. They have to be able to trust each other and not worry who the other is spending their free time with. If the au pair settles down and starts to do a great job, you may find the boyfriend becomes overly jealous, and this may result in the au pair returning home, at his request!
I hope my insights prove to be helpful to you and your au pair - good luck and let us know how it all turns out!
Best,
Dr. Siman