Signs of clinical depression in our au pair?
Dear Dr. Simon:
I am becoming concerned that our German au pair is suffering from depression. This is our fifth year hosting an au pair and "Amy" is our third au pair from Germany.
Amy did not appear to be adjusting well after her first month in the U.S. She was not making friends and seemed "down" and unhappy. Low energy and would speak at meals only when spoken to. She did her job properly and was never late, but she seemed distant and disconnected. Our LCC mentioned that at an au pair social event, she brought several girls over to meet Amy, but "the conversations were clearly one-sided", with Amy not participating. Amy also complained that she did not like the other girls, the city, etc.
Our :LCC met with her to discuss this and Amy claimed she was happy here.
Following this meeting, Amy seemed to really improve - her mood was better, she began to talk to the children at dinner and show more energy with me. She went out more with other au pairs.
After about 3 or 4 days of that, however, the original behavior has returned. She sits at dinner staring straight ahead and does not help unless I direct her to do something specific and does not talk to the children (this is scheduled work time, not her free time).
After dinner, I asked Amy what was bothering her and mentioned the above behavior. Amy said she was "just tired." Amy had worked less than five hours that day, and only four hours the day before.
Yesterday, while getting ready for work, I observed her sitting on a couch accross the room from the three year old child who was trying to talk to her about a computer game he was playing. He kept pointing to show her things. Amy sat accross the room, not facing him, and gave him short answers.
I directed Amy to get a chair and please sit with him and talk to him. She walked over and stood behind him (so she understood me, clearly) but when I returned 5 minutes later, she was back on the couch.
Computer time is limited to 20 minutes, so it's not as though this had been going on for hours and she was fatigued.
Last night she approached me after the kids were sleeping just to say hello and was smiling and seemed cheerful.
I am really confused. Do you have any insight that might help me in determining if this is depression or something else?
Thank you!
depression in an aupair can be serious
Depressed au pairs can be a real problem, one, the agency's insurance does not cover psychaitric care (so they cannot see a therapist or get medication) and two, depression can make it impossible for the au pair to work with active children. They just slow down and want to sleep all day. We have this once and even though the au pair was a very nice girl she just couould'' cope and we had to send her home. The agency also agreed that the best place for her was at home with her family and getting treated. Depression in young people, if left untreated, can tragically end in attempted or completed suicide! So, don't fool around with this mental disosrder.
As an experienced Host Mom
As an experienced host mom, and a former state prosecutor, I'm very comfortable with the actions I have taken thus far and feel confident that my children have never been in danger. You may not have read all the threads, but I am mostly home with the au pair due to these issues. Coming here for advice and simply to vent and hear different opinions has been helpful. And, as I am sure you are aware, the opinions here regarding Amy have been mixed.
Amy has refused to see a Doctor from the get-go. Both I and the counselor offered initially, hoping she would see this as a resource.
Last week, my husband and I decided that we were no longer comfortable with Amy's odd behavior and sat down with her and the counselor to explain that she can either see the doctor, explain her behavior, or leave.
Amy acknowledged her odd behavior and said that it is because she just "always feels uncomfortable" in our home. She agreed that I had spent lots of time with her, and that we had taken many steps to help her get settled. She could not identify any specific thing that upset her - she just does not like it here. The only example she gave was that she feels that when the boys get home and I am hearing about their day, "I am not so interested in her just then." Which is true.
Also, she "hates" the girls in the cluster and wants another cluster.
She will not see a doctor because "she is not sick - she just feels uncomfortable here and cannot be happy."
I believe this amounts to extreme immaturity, possibly depression, but either way, without her cooperation, the match is over. She has not been working for us since last week.
Thanks everyone for your advice and assistance.
Best,
Jeslyn
Amy
Hi Jeslynb,
I was glad to hear you had a talk and a face-to-face with Amy. Now, you know, she didn't like your family. She probably was reluctant to say anything to you, because let's face it, that would have been very hard for her to do. I agree, her behavior was a combination of immaturity, maybe some mild depression and non-cooperation. She also sounded a little jealous of your boys (re: the boys taking your time and attention away from her).
I think you were very patient with her, and gave her lots of space, time and support while she tried to "figure" it out. If only there were more host moms like you!
Good job resolving Amy's issue and good luck to you in the rematch process. I read your comment on Cultural Care, and yes, I agree, it would be quite stressful right now if you had gone with them and they had an "Amy." Good agencies always return phone calls, and in a timely manner.
Best,
Edina
Hi, Edina
Thanks again for your advice. We are awaiting the arrrival of our new au pair - due here next week. She is an extension au pair from a small town in the US who wants to experience NYC. Her host family raved about her and she seems like a sweet, helpful girl. She wanted to arrive in NY before her work starts to visit with friends and she was almost too bashful to ask if she could first come here to drop off her things in her room. What a nice change after an au pair who didn't hesitate to ask for everything she wanted, all the time!
I have been thinking over what happened with Amy - our first bad experience as a host family. I think, in a nutshell, an au pair is part of the family, but she is not one of the children, to be constantly looked after (except for when she first arrives). Nor is she one of the parents - to make all the rules and expect them to be followed. She is somewhere in between - a favorite cousin or aunt - and that must be hard for some of the girls to navigate. They have to be independant and willing to follow the routine of the family.
Amy was neither. By day, she was the parent and often would do things her own way (not follow instructions) and argue with me about it afterwards. By night, she morphed into a somewhat awkward teenage girl who wanted me to book her boyfriend's travel arrangements, hear about how much she didn't like the cluster (for hours at a time) and kill the spider in her room. It was the worst of both worlds. It's a happier house now that she is gone.
Your advice was so helpful - thank you!
Great Insight into What an Au Pair Is
Hi Jeslynb,
You are very welcome. I am impressed at the insight you were able to gather having only one au pair! Maybe it is because she is, or was, your first and first impressions are lasting.
Amy did not sound mature enough to handle this kind of position.
I am glad to hear all is well now! Enjoy your new au pair!
Best,
Edina
Hi, Edina
Thanks again for your advice. We are awaiting the arrrival of our new au pair - due here next week. She is an extension au pair from a small town in the US who wants to experience NYC. Her host family raved about her and she seems like a sweet, helpful girl. She wanted to arrive in NY before her work starts to visit with friends and she was almost too bashful to ask if she could first come here to drop off her things in her room. What a nice change after an au pair who didn't hesitate to ask for everything she wanted, all the time!
I have been thinking over what happened with Amy - our first bad experience as a host family. I think, in a nutshell, an au pair is part of the family, but she is not one of the children, to be constantly looked after (except for when she first arrives). Nor is she one of the parents - to make all the rules and expect them to be followed. She is somewhere in between - a favorite cousin or aunt - and that must be hard for some of the girls to navigate. They have to be independant and willing to follow the routine of the family.
Amy was neither. By day, she was the parent and often would do things her own way (not follow instructions) and argue with me about it afterwards. By night, she morphed into a somewhat awkward teenage girl who wanted me to book her boyfriend's travel arrangements, hear about how much she didn't like the cluster (for hours at a time) and kill the spider in her room. It was the worst of both worlds. It's a happier house now that she is gone.
Your advice was so helpful - thank you!
Your Au Pair, Amy
Dear J.,
I have reviewed all the threads here between you and Edina Stone. I feel Edina is giving you basically the same recommendation that I would at this time. Since your au pair seems to be having significant adjustment issues, it would be wise to get to the bottom of her anxieties. The prudent decision would be to have her seen by a medical professional based on your counselor's assessment and recommendation.
Culture Shock is a condition that frequently occurs when a foreigner enters a new culture and experiences unpleasant adjustment "symptoms" such as: homesickness, sleeping problems (excess sleeping, or inability to sleep), a refusal to engage in the new activities of their experience (refusal to speak the language, meet new friends, attend new activities, etc.) and/or excessive complaining and general malaise.
Any one of these problems can cause anxiety, since the person did not expect to experience these issues and they sincerely want to adjust and move on to enjoy their new adventure! They are often confused themselves as to why they are not happy!
Amy may be struggling with homesickness (but will not say, perhaps she would feel embarassed by this admission) and her "complaining" may be a byproduct of culture shock.
Au Pair Clearinghouse's well-written and comprehensive article on Culture Shock is a good starting point. I would suggest sending your counselor a copy of this article and see what she thinks in terms of the profile of someone who is exhibiting symptoms of Culture Shock.
Does she think Amy fits the profile? If so, what does the agency recommend? Do they feel a visit to a medical professional is in order? Will they support your request for this assessment and make the necessary arrangements for Amy?
Without seeing Amy, it is difficult to make a definite clinical impression, but I see that she may be showing a few of these symptoms already: complaining, fatigue, lack of interest in making friends, switching from happiness to sad and listless, etc.
Getting your counselor involved is an excellent step in assisting with both your concerns and Amy's struggle to adjust to her new life in America!
Best of luck and please let us know how your intervention with Amy turns out.
Sincerely,
Dr. Siman