Our Chinese Au Pair is Very Shy
Hello Dr. Siman,
You were very helpful with my first question to you several weeks ago - thank you very much!
My au pair, who is from China, has been with us now for 5 months. She is very good with our baby girl (adopted from China) and she is teaching her Mandarin (I speak Mandarin as well - I am American born Chinese).
Our au pair is lovely and sweet and we just adore her. However, she is very shy! She bows her head when she meets new people and our friends/family, and then goes to her room. She feels very comfortable with us and she enjoys talking to me in Mandarin and is quite lively and outgoing! But with new aquaintances she is very shy.
We knew going into the match that many girls from China share this trait (shyness) but our counselor assured us that it would be temporary. Once the au pair arrived, met other au pairs, and starting attending college classes, she would settle in and make friend.
However, she spends most of her time with us at home. We don't really mind, but she is not getting anything out of her cultural year here - she refuses to go on any trips with her cluster, doesn't want to attend any meetings and has no au pair friends. She has one friend, a nanny next door (older woman) who she has playdates with.
We worry that she is not taking advantage of her year abroad and seems content just to take care of the baby, eat dinner with us, watch a movie with us at night, or read alongside of us during the week. Weekends, she busys herself, again, with the baby, laundry, cleaning her room, tidies up the house, etc. Her English is improving. We wonder, is her weak English skills keeping her from interacting with the other girls in the cluster?
What should we do to encourage her to go out more, without giving the impression we don't want her at home!
Thank you!
ChinaGirl
Your Chinese Au Pair's Shyness
Hello Jake,
Thank you for the question regarding your au pair and her shyness. I see that you are concerned that she may not be taking advantage of all that this cultural exchange can provide for her.
An au pair may decide the level of involvement in her program depending on her personality. If your au pair's personality is laid-back, dependent and quiet in nature, she may be perfectly happy in her present lifestyle! If you push her to be someone she is not, she may start to feel anxious and become fretful and unhappy.
I would use her goals as a guide in terms of what you want to suggest about different activities she should engage in. IShe may be hesitant to strike out on her own. If she is comfortable with you, perhaps you and your partner should take her to the theatre, or to a concert, etc., to get her immersed into the new culture she traveled so far to enjoy. Once she sees that the experience was fun and not so intimidating, she might be more willing to venture out with an au pair.
Have a frank conversation with her about your concerns, and explain they come from your desire to make the best year possible for her. Also, she may not be aware of how quickly the year passes, and you should remind her of this fact.
Ask her what she wants to experience and accomplish while she is here - make it fun! Create a "bucket" list of all the things she wants to do. Creating the list and seeing the list in writing may encourage her to actually take charge in order to get experience some of the top priorities on her "to do" agenda.
Weak English skills can be a barrier for any au pair - they may feel intimidated by the other au pairs' stronger skills. Speak to your counselor and ask her to recommend one of the au pairs as a friend or "buddy" to your au pair while she acclimates. Often, counselors use the "buddy system" for every new au pair - this can be a great help for the new au pair and may forge a new and lasting friendship.
Best of luck to you and your au pair!
Let me know how the bucket list works.
Sincerely,
Dr. Siman
au pairs from asia tend to be very quiet, shy
dr. Siman, just to let you know, before you answer this question, au pairs from Asia all tend to be shy, quiet and passive around people they do not know or have not been introduced to formally. It is a cultural difference.
ChinaGirl, attending one
ChinaGirl,
attending one cluster meeting a month is a requirement of the program. To be an au pair in good standing, she can miss only two meetings a year. Please make sure your au pair knows that - it can encourage her to go to the au pair meetings.