Dear Seth,

Thank you for your question regarding table manners.  Table manners, and behavior during meals, are important elements in raising kind, respectful children.  When you teach good table manners, you are instilling a sense of order, respect for others and appropriate social rules in children that are essential to their self-image and personality development. 

When we learn how to behave at the table, we are leaning good interpersonal skills, and not just "table" manners.  To respect those around you is important.  Teaching children to wait their turn, to ask politely for things and to say thank you are essential social skills that all children need to be successful relating to other people.  Teaching the social graces are important!

Here are a few suggestions when teaching good table manners:

1. Be a Good Role Model:  Children learn from observing and mimicking their parents' behavior.  Watch your own table manners and do what you want your children to learn.  Remember not to turn dinner time into "lecture time" - enjoy your family and the meal. 

 2.  Don't Use Negative Terms:  Telling your child he is a slob is negative reinforcement and bad manners on your part!  Instead of focusing on him, point out the behavior you want to change instead.  For example, say "It is a good idea to use your napkin instead of your sleeve.  If you unfold it and place it on your lap, any food that falls will not stain your pants." 

 3.  For Young Children Have Fun:  Try new and fun things to encourage good manners.  Children learn more when they enjoy the experience and interact during the meal.  Once a month, set your table with the fancy china and linen, serve more formal food and have the children dress up!  Teach them that during a special meal, people expect more formal manners. 

4.  Teach and Role Model the Basics:  Teach the children by doing!  Use napkins, pass food to the right and say thank you.  Compliment your spouse if he cooked the meal.  Sit quietly and eat slowly.  Don't talk with your mouth full and don't click the silverware on the china or glasses (it is very annoying to most people, especially the hostess).  Don't use your hands to eat what is on your plate, unless it is considered "finger food."  Turn off the TV during meals! 

5.  Invite your Children to Adult Parties: During an adult dinner party, have the children come early and have them help.  Letting the children serve the hors d'oeuvres allow them to learn indirectly about manners and to socialize with adults.  It is good training!  They can go to bed before the adults sit down to dinner.

6.  Burping is a No-No:  If your children burp, explain the culture differences around this behavior.  For example, in some countries a burp is a way of showing the hostess you really enjoyed the food, or that you had enough to eat.  Point out that in our culture, burping is considered rude and offensive.  Do not burp at the table - remember, the children are watching!

7. Eating Out: Eating out with very young children can be a challenge and I suggest that you wait until they are at least 4 or 5 years old if you are going to a nice restaurant.  Many fine meals have been ruined by fussy young children screaming at the next table!  This is bad manners on the parents' part - you should always remove a crying or screaming child at once so you don't disturb the other diners and to teach your child this kind of behavior will not be tolerated. 

Older children can learn dining manners while in a restaurant: pulling out chairs for mom, sisters and grandma, ordering their own food, excusing themselves when they need to use the restroom, sitting quietly and nicely at the table for the entire meal, etc. You can also teach older children how to calculate the tip and to observe you while you interact with the server. 

Seth, I hope these suggestions help with teaching your child good table manners!