My older son wants to date our au pair!!
I have a very difficult situation at home. I have an 18 year old son who lives at home and commutes to a local college. We also have a 6 year old and an au pair. The au pair, a very nice girl from Sweden, is 19.
My son and au pair really hit it off and I was glad that they did (this didn't always happen in our past years hosting au pairs). However, I never thought their relationship would proceed to the point where they are flirting with each other, watching movies together in the family room, sitting together during dinner, etc. Now, my son announced he wants to "date" our au pair.
Very uncomfortable with this and my initial reaction was "no." Has anyone else had this situation? What do I do? I could rematch, but the au pair is "broken in" and fits well with our family. Maybe too well??
Any advice would be much appreciated.
Anxious Host Mom....
oooh, tough one!
Well, this is a first! I don't usually comment on any blog, etc., but I do read the Clearinghouse almost every day! I have been a host mom now for about 2 years and love the program. Our family has really benefited so much in hosting au pairs from around the world (first au pair was from Spain and our current one is from Thailand).
It is also very inexpensive! We saved so much money not using our local daycare, we are planning a trip to Spain to visit our first au pair next summer!
About dating, I don't think you should allow your son to go there - very complicated relationships under one roof, do you really want to be a host mom and the mother of the son your au pair is dating? What if they break up? You can imagine that drama and the au pair will probably ask to leave if you don't first ask to have her removed.
Don't encourage such a relationship, tell your son, honestly, what the consequences of such a relationship could, would, do to the entire family and that he needs to remain friends, and that is it. Then, take your au pair aside, and have the same conversation! Be tough. Good luck.
Son dating au pair
I have to agree with the host mom from Maryland, you should not allow your son to date the au pair. She is there to do a job, taking care of your younger son, take college courses and improve her English, etc. Most au pairs that I worked with found the 45 hour work week, college courses and studying English, with some travel thrown in, did not allow time to get involved in a serious relationship.
Yes, au pairs socialize, and we should encourage them to get out and meet new friends and meet other au pairs outside of work and cluster meetings. However, most au pairs will tell you, they have specific goals when they come to America and they do not include meeting and dating men! Of course, there are exceptions, and au pairs will spend most of their time trying to meet a man here in the states, perhaps to get married and become a U.S. citizen, but they are the exception.
Lay down the law, no dating, and move on. If the au pair cannot or will not control her feelings, you should rematch. If you son becomes inappropriate and continues to flirt or push the issue, rematch.
Families rematch for much less cause, believe me, so do not hesitate to do so!
If you think of the consequences of your son and au pair dating, you will realize it is not a wise decision. Let's keep the relationship between au pair and sons friendly, but always professional. Think of the au pair too - her parents would not be pleased with this arrangement either, I am sure. She needs to focus in order to make her year abroad a successful one!